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Well...
My serious illness:
Not all the time I worked outside my country and still doing dangerous things has brought me so many problems. I have been sworn to death, abused in childhood, and even persecuted countless times, and none of this has brought me psychological problems. Okay, I did many years of therapy, but I always slept peacefully.
I was trained to be cool and learn to deal with the most dangerous situations and people. I saw many things that any normal person would have nightmares for days. Anyway, none of that shook me.
It all started in 2013 or 2014. I was already in Brazil for a few years, the husband had gone to study in Europe. I was afraid, very afraid. It was out of nowhere and overnight. Panic syndrome was triggered in me, and it was absurdly frightening. I think I scared the husband so much that it even influenced him to come back sooner.
I had already had some experiences with things out of the ordinary, like having a very serious memory lapse when I was still taking a pre-university course. It was such a scare that they wanted to hospitalize me to find out why, but my parents didn't accept it because at the time was having many cases of hospital infection. We thought it could have been exhaustion, after all, I studied, did English and Spanish and was still a full teacher at the church (I was the one who passed on all the material to the other teachers). Well, at the time I started taking vitamins, I started to eat better and it passed.
Still in Japan I had some different experiences but nothing much, I had always been different in everything. Passed on.
The fear I had in 2014 was absurd. Then there was psychosis, at that time I saw everything colorful, a bizarre experience, it made me even more afraid.
I lived at my parents' beach house, we thought I would do better with my husband in other country. We had never parted before.
Anyway, I was very ill, my mother went to get me running and my husband came back. I went to live with my mother for a while, until we get our own space.
The other day, my father took me to a psychiatrist for an old friend, expensive to buy but very good. He prescribed for me the medicine named Espram, and also some natural and herbal medicines like Melatonin and Ansiodoron.
I took it until it was over and the symptoms passed so I didn't go to treat it anymore. An error!
In 2015 we were already at our place and I had another scary outbreak. With the death of my biological father my world collapsed, I think it was one of the keys to my central nervous system failing again. And I freaked out in a way that I started taking fluoxetine (medicine), I was having delusions and hallucinations, I lost my memory about a lot and I didn't even know who I was anymore.
But with the months I got better, and I left the treatment again. Second mistake!
Urgent referral letter.
In 2016 we had moved to a big apartment, of my dreams, I was radiant and one day, out of nowhere, I had the worst crisis of my life. It was horrible!
First I had a very bitter mouth, then vertigo, and that's when the brain started to fail again but the worst way. I tried to go to the clinic but it was closed, so my mother took me late at night to a clinic farther away and they gave me an injection in the butt (and hurts a lot lol), the doctor thought it could be some food poisoning. But in fact the worst was yet to come.
One day I was in the laundry sink and out of nowhere I start hallucinating, my God, I started to see the whole world distorted, my thoughts started to scramble, my vision was different, my body all strange, my head with terrible pressure. From that day on, I was never the same. I got so bad that I had to run to the nearest doctor. Well, going to the doctor quickly, I went, right? But the medicine that had no effect at all.
I didn't live anymore, I just survived, and very badly. It gave me such a bad way to live, I literally freaked out. I took everything off (Facebook, blogs, WhatsApp) and could no longer stay on the internet. I spent the whole day walking around like crazy, my mom and aunt calling me all the time to check on me. I couldn't sleep anymore, I woke up scared. I was scared to death of all that, I never thought that the human being could experience that, it was too crazy. Everything I saw, heard and felt was too abnormal. I just cried and thought: - will I need to die to end this?
Because it was all unbearable, I just wanted to end all that pain. It took me a long time to have horrible experiences, until the medicine started to take effect. I even waited for the doctor to show up to ask her why I hadn't improved yet, nor did I make an appointment for fear of delay, I just showed up at the clinic like crazy just to ask her why. And she even agreed to answer me anyway, she saw my despair, and she let me into the room quickly. And she said: - calm down! The medicine has not yet taken effect, it will pass, it's all in your head. But I did not believe that it would pass, I thought that they would have to check me in or that I would stay that way for the rest of my life. It was really the end for me.
Another medicine - Depakote
The doctor also prescribed a book.
One day, suddenly, the symptoms disappeared. I started talking to friends again, I started activating my social networks, I started living again. Phew! What a wonderful relief!
Accelerated thinking, seeing distorted images, panic disorder, mood swings, fear of going crazy, easy crying, irritability, nervousness, denying suicidal ideation and autistic son.
I didn't stop the treatment but I waited the SUS line (free medical system in brazil), I managed to appoint a psychiatrist and we went on to a different medicine that would be free for me as well as the consultations, I started to be happy. But every medicine I took still let me have something bad, aside from the side effects, and I kept changing.
There was medicine that made me very nauseous all day, I stocked up many types of ice cream because that was what I relieved, and at the time I was going to college in Public Management, I remember studying sucking these ice cream to relieve my heartburn and it was a lot. We decided to change, then the new medicine started to give me milk in my breast, it felt like I was breastfeeding, it was very strange. All the medicines did not let me have a crisis, but it did not resolve 100%, and so I kept changing.
One day I had a shortness of breath, I couldn't breathe, it was horrible. And as I couldn't sleep I called the emergency but the girl said I could still speak so it was not yet a serious emergency. I took 2 sublingual Rivotril (medicine) and nothing, there was no air and I choked. Oh horrible experience folks!
I spent the night like that, suffering, I waited for the husband to come home and he took me to the same health center for the painful injection. Getting there was a long wait, full of people, and when I was attended to, the doctor monitored oxygen, measured pressure and did everything he could. Then he realized it was an anxiety attack, he told me to breathe in the bag. I remember I even thought that if I couldn't even breathe normally how would I breathe in a bag? But I tried. Guys, it worked, but I had to do a lot. I slept breathing in the bag, and with the hours it passed.
One day I remember that I woke up very badly from depression, nothing made sense, I looked at the beautiful sun outside but I couldn't feel joy in anything, I just wanted to die. And so I continued to change the medication and adjust the dosage.
I started taking olanzapine (another medicine), this medication overturned me, several times I woke up at dawn sitting on the couch, there were days when I didn't even have time to go to bed. This medicine also made me very hungry, a lot, I ate too much, I ended up putting on 20 kilos with it because it was uncontrollable. And I was afraid to change because it had been the best so far.
For 3 years and so many medications, everything happened to me, some bizarre things were happening. I started to get tickled between the eyes every time I wore glasses, I had to massage while watching the movie because I need the glasses to read the subtitles. I have already felt strange things happen to parts of my body, there were days when it seemed that my arm was getting in the way and that I needed to pull them out (yes, too strange) but every thing I went through was learning to deal with.
What happened is that making the changes again was the best choice I could make, in 3 years I never felt so good. These are the ideal remedies nowadays, I didn't even have a side effect with them, I started to have courage and to do things at home, which until then were all husband. Even the libido has improved, lol, which is a constant complaint from those who take these drugs.
Only now I have 2 current problems: bruxism and mental music. I find myself all the time brushing my teeth and humming in the head, it even disturbs me. But today I know that of the lesser evils, you cannot be totally perfect, although I have already learned to control better with therapies.
So today I'm fine, very good!
And I hope to stay that way!
The problem I got positive for several disorders. I was even diagnosed with multipolarity, a mixture of mental illnesses such as schizophrenia, paranoia, type 1 bipolarity, major depression, panic syndrome, anxiety and even others ... Seriously! I need the drugs to keep me well, I wanted to believe in a cure but if I stop taking the medication my central nervous system may fail again.
And so I go on. But at least stabilized now and, for the first time in years, with no bad symptoms. I even wrote back on the blogs lol.
Now it's about chasing the damage, losing weight mainly, I'm way above my ideal weight. I've already lost 3 but I still have a lot to do and I feel bad about it. At 39 I am very different from the 36 and previous animated posts here. But now it’s time, this pandemic doesn’t help.
A big hug for you who care about me and come to know the news. We are together! 👊
January 2021. About 5 months after the medication, I feel great. No mental problems, none!
Not even bruxism anymore, and a little mental song that doesn't bother me. By the disposition alone I now lost 7 kilos. And I'm happier than ever. I've never been so good in 7 years. Almost as it was before all this. The only current problem is night sweats, but it may be the heat. I felt useful again, and that's why I started doing important things again. I'm still happy!
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